


"Maybe if I don’t cry, I won’t feel anymore."

by Atiredsoul



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Also yeah Cad totally loves fjord but fjord doesn't know that, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Can someone check on him? He seemed kinda down, Fjord has had a rough day filled with trauma, Fjord picks at his tusks when he's sad or nervous, Fjord-centric (Critical Role), Heavy Angst, I'm probably just projecting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Past Child Abuse, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Mutilation, The blindness prank gave me weird vibes.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25634947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atiredsoul/pseuds/Atiredsoul
Summary: He's a burden. He knows he is.The Nein say they disagree but maybe they are realizing that they were wrong.Maybe Cad realizes that he was wrong.(Aka Fjord deals with his trauma and mind late at night.)
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Fjord, Caduceus Clay/Fjord, Fjord & The Mighty Nein
Comments: 4
Kudos: 92





	"Maybe if I don’t cry, I won’t feel anymore."

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for episodes 103 and 104 of critical role campaign 2. 
> 
> These last few episodes have been really rough on Fjord so I wanted to do something centered around him.
> 
> Plus the blinding prank really gave me weird vibes and I wanted to write fjorclay pinning angst along with self hating fjord.
> 
> Ya know. Just for the lols.

The night sky is filled with mist. The moonlight is barely shining through and the once bright campfire is slowly losing light.

Fjord stares up at the night sky. His mind restless and his body tense. He felt his mind spiraling. 

He knows that he's the only one awake. He can hear Caleb's soft snores and the gentle breathing of Yasha.

Everyone is at peace except for him. He knows he should be resting and sleeping with the rest of them.

He can't though. The fear of closing his eyes and seeing nothing haunts him. Memories of the day constantly replaying. Showing all his mistakes and fuck ups.

He can feel the ache in throat. His nose is filled with snot and his eyes are glassy. He can barely keep the tears from leaking down his cheeks.

He hates feeling this way. It makes him feel even more useless. He shouldn't want to cry. He's got nothing to cry about anyway. He deserved everything that happened today.

He's the one who couldn't save Caduceus. He's the one who angered Vokodo. The one who angered Uk'otoa and the dragon turtle. He made that stupid fucking comment. He deserves what Caduceus did to him.

It was a bad joke. He could tell the moment it left his tongue that it was wrong. He clearly didn't think it through. He was already getting ready to apologize to Beau when it happened.

The world went black. He could feel his body tense and he only barely held back a gasp of fear. 

He could feel the water in his lungs and the panic from earlier hit him full force again. 

He barely heard Caduceus speak. It took him a second to even comprehend why Caduceus did it.

It was a punishment. A lesson for his stupidity. It was a reminder of his childhood. He didn't know how he held it together so well. He acted so fine with it. 

It wasn't fine though. His heart felt like it was being stabbed. He felt like a small child again. He was helpless to what Caduceus or the others could do to him.

When the spell was dropped, he was silent. Everyone kept walking and he followed. He couldn't help but move away from Caduceus. 

He always liked staying next to him. He liked the safety he felt. The way he could just look at Cad and his mind would be put to ease.

But now it was ruined. His safety blanket destroyed. He didn't look at Caduceus for the rest of the journey. He could blind him at any time. Any wrong word and Caduceus would make him even more useless.

He tried to hide his feelings. No one seemed to notice. But it's not like they noticed his pain earlier when Veth said she didn't need him or how uncomfortable he was with Vilya.

He tried to stay invisible after the moment with Caduceus. He didn't want to be more of a burden than he already was. 

He blinked. The cold salty tears ran down his face and he tried not to sob. It must be the island. It had to be the island. 

They all wouldn't act like this. They cared about him. They all loved him. They needed him and valued him.

Did it change when he died? Did they all realize that they were better off without him? Why was he so useless?

He rubbed at his eyes and he took deep breaths. He can't breakdown now. He needed to rest for tomorrow. He's already on thin ice. He can't mess up even more.

He picked at his tusks as he pushed his feelings down. He was toxic. He knew he was. He didn't know why the Wildmother warnted him. He didn't know why Cad wanted him either.

Maybe they were realizing that they made the wrong choice. It would just be Fjord's luck that Cad and the Wildmother didn't want him anymore. That he wasn't worthy. 

He turned to his side and he kept pulling and scratching at his tusks. He could taste his blood. 

He should have realized that Caduceus was too good to be true. A man who loved openly? Who saw the good in everyone? Who cooked and smiled and never got upset?

It was everything too good and perfect for Fjord. He should have realized that it would all come crashing down.

The once caring and loving Caduceus now seemed to be overshadowed by this new one. Being blinded and pushed away by Cad was all he could think about.

It all seemed like a nightmare. He was used to being loved and taken care of by Deucey. Now he was scared of him. 

His mouth was filled with blood and his eyes were heavy. He was exhausted. The campfire was out. 

Everyone was sleeping and Fjord was the only one thinking. He swallowed down his blood and wiped his mouth and eyes. 

He laid back and tried to get comfortable. His body started to feel fuzzy and his eyes got heavier as he fell asleep.

He only had one thought as he lost consciousness.

He thought that maybe waking up in the morning without memories wouldn't be that bad.

Maybe the island would finally be a blessing to him.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed and that it wasn't too cringey. Also the title are lyrics from the song Stone cold by demi lovato.
> 
> Also sorry for any wrong words or typos. I am sleep deprived and gay lol.


End file.
